About Me

To paraphrase a blogger who is far more glamorous than me, like London needs another working mum blogging about her life. But hey, sometimes when you have a laptop on your knees in between serving oven chips and leftovers and starting bedtime you wonder how you became that woman, why you did and how you feel about it. Sometimes I even probe further - who is THAT woman, and did I ever aspire to be her? Do I like her? Could I learn to? Which is why I've started this blog...

Friday, 21 January 2011

Wondering in the Wilderness

A couple of months ago a friend of mine tweeted that she'd woken up, written a chapter of her first novel, baked some scones and finished some paperwork. She cheekily added only one of the statements was true. I replied and asked if it was the baking. She responded (with her typical wit) that it was merely that she'd woken up, but she'd typed the rest to try out what it would be like to be the sort of woman she wanted to be.

Given that in the interim we've both given birth, there's been Christmas, and many over things which are actually life changing this brief exchange has haunted me in a disproportionate way. Mainly (I tentatively wonder) because I feel on the precipice. As if I am verging on a new time. Yes, a new time with my newly bigger family, but also as I have been on such a journey of depression and I wonder, in some ways, if I'm heading for a new path somehow. So used am I to the language of the scary woods, the fear and desolation, the sense that some beast is chasing me and shadowing my every turn as I run on uneven ground which could crumble at any turn, that I don't quite know how to approach the light on the path ahead.

Could this be what being happy is? Or at least a road towards it? And if it is, do I have some or any choices in what happy means? Is this the bit of the movie where I get helped out, and I can maybe, tentatively, make a start at least at guessing at the woman I want to be.

It is an exciting wilderness to wander and wonder in. I feel I am nearly there, at a place where I can think about and try out being 'THATwoman', see whether thatwoman-I'd-like-to-be and the-woman-I-am match up. I suspect not, and I'll have to try on some roles, like the early morning cake baker and novel writer, seeing if they fit me, like new pairs of gloves. And like gloves I'm sure though the women I could be may all look the same, some will fit better than others.

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